The Life and Times Of Boobies...

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

2009-09-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

20 years old and still nothing in my life is PRIVATE.

No respect for my privacy since the day i was born.

And you think i need a therapist?

Every diary broken open.

Every friend harassed.

I appreciate you in my life yet It bugs me that you question every single thing i do.

This blog is over.

Doesn't mean my life is over.

Please forgive me if i said anything to offend you,

I don't seem to have rights to speak my mind anywhere these days.

Monday, September 21

2009-09-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

Day 3 in Kedah.

Everyday getting calls on how much i am missing out on in KL. Friends& Family.

I am really cut out from everything and its extremely frustrating. It is known now that i have the money to pay the bill for my phone is just that i don't have the means to go and do it and its annoying me. I don't know what to do. I want so much to go back home. Take a cab or whatever. I miss everything i know. Here i do nothing. That just makes it all the more frustrating. I can't call anyone. Can't text anyone. I am stuck! Crying alone. I hate this. What do i do?

SATURDAY 19th SEPTEMBER 2009

2009-09-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

INSPIRED BY MY ADVENTURE TO KULIM.

Space printed on my ceiling,
A tar paved journey stretched out before me.
Awaiting an adventure beyond imagination.
Lets hope i don't suffer from extreme humiliation. =p

Then i put hands up
because they are playing my song.
Its a party on the highway.

Reached the first toll.
On the way to unknown territory far from my reality.
This ought to be FUN. =D

Ass to ass.
The cars are lined up against each other.
By the time we arrive, the dusk would have dawned.
Oh sweet mother.
Bless our journey.

As rain stream down the barely tinted glass, i stare out in fear, wondering and hoping. Can i really put it behind me. Am i strong enough to resist temptation.
why do i toy with you. Am i honestly as heartless as perceived by my sister.

I am scared to miss you.
Fear of what that might stir up inside me.
Feelings that i can't control.
So i block you out of my mind. In hopes that i'll be able to go on without having you in my mind every second of every day.

You are upset because i tried to forget you. But you have no idea how much it hurts to have you in mind all the time not knowing what would come out of it.

Stuck in a technicolour reality, I used to be lovedrunk now i'm hungover.

I fear to love you.
because then i'd be giving you a way to break me.

You only will truly know whether someone is worth loving when they do something extraordinary to show you how much they care.

So how long must i wait for you?

I have no tolerance for time.

By the time you grow balls, it may be too late.

While we are what we are, i think i'd rather make the best of it rather than fuss over you.

I'm not putting my love life on halt because of you. But you are part of the reason. The other part is that i want to give myself a chance to change.

Struggling through the rain.
Our journey is burdened by harsh weather.

I dreamt of babies. Not mine. Yours. And it had your eyes. I was sad. I don't know why or rather am afraid to admit the reason.

Lush greenery surround me.
A week of immense decentcy. Lets see how that works out. Will i come back with a pout?

I'm afraid to meet you.
Heard so much about you.
What if we don't get along because we are too similar.
Hope for the best i suppose. =D

I fear i may dissapoint YOU again.

Will keep posting updates as to what happens here. LOVE!

-ANYA-

2009-09-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

ROBBIE WILLIAMS - FEEL

Come and hold my hand.
I want to contact the living.
Not sure i understand this role i've been given.
I sit and talk to God. But he just laughs at my plans.
My head speaks a language i don't understand.
I just want to feel real love.
Feel the home that i live in.
cause i got too much life running thorugh my veins.Going to waste.
I don't wanna die. But i ain't keen on living. Before i fall in love, i'm preparing to leave him.
Scare myself to death. Thats why i keep on running. Before i've arrived, i can see myself coming. I just want to feel real love. Feel the home that i live in. Because i got too much life running through my veins. Going to waste.I need to feel real love in the life ever after. I cannot get enough. I just wan to feel real love. Too much love running through my veins. Going to waste. You can see it in my face. Come and hold my hand. i want to contact the living. not sure i understand this role i've been given. =)

Life isn't as great as i perceive it to be.

2009-09-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN, I'M COMING CLEAN.

Happily ever afters don't happen in reality.
Thats the depressing truth.
But if even for a brief moment, i get to feel or be Cinderella at the ball.
I'd give up everything to be in the arms of Prince Charming.
I'll be your crying shoulder.
I have so much of love to give, just no one to give it to.
The strands in your eyes.
Emeralds from mountains can never compare the beauty of your eyes.
I'll be the greatest bet of your life.
Stop me from you stealing my breathe.
I'll be love's suicide.
Dance with me.
Just once.
And i'll die happy.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I'll let you know.
This feeling.
This loneliness.
Clutching the very being of my soul.
I'm late. For what? Reality.

Breathe. You'll be ok.
Isn't it better to cling to fantasy rather than face reality?

In these eyes, more than words. Just about to crack open. Theres something you should know. I wanna be without you. Now you know. because it hurts too much to be around you.

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

I never pretended to be anyone else. And yet i am the one who got hurt. I am not afraid of being myself. I feel sorry for you.

Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and dissapointing.

I'll let you know how i am once i catch my breathe.

Theres no one in time that i know. I never said thank you for that. What would you think of me now?

Angels see me cry. Sweetest night and sweet sorrow. So what do you think me now? Here i am down before you. Angels reaching out.

Its not my dream. It never was. It was yours.

I turned my back from everything i know. To be who i know. Let angels lead me now.

I'm sorry i waited for the rain.

Your burning up my dreams. I don't want to be anywhere but here.

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams Let it wash away my sanity.

Because i want to feel the thunder. I want to scream.

Time waits for no DIVA.

2009-09-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile.

As i look through my blog, i am sad that i neglected it.
Yet i am reminded of how much i <3>

I wish i knew what was wrong.

2009-08-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

Love?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I am suppose to be immune to it by now.

Lost without meaning.

Love just appeared without a trace.

I'm holding back this feeling. I can't erase.

Its just the way i'm feeling.

How do u do this to me?

You are so far away.

I miss you.

Don't waste your time on me.

Your already the voice inside my head.

In No Man's Land.

2009-07-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

Literally there is no man here that i have even the slightest bit of interest towards despite all their LAME ass attempts to get my attention.
I suppose even in University the maturity level of the male species is still at a stand still.
Which is Sad really.
Anyhoot. Its no biggie. Less temptations means more study time! LOL
which i should probably get started on.

Something haooened recently though. I have been trying very hard to not let it bug me.
But almost every lone moment i have i spend thinking about what happened.
how did it come to this when my life has no purpose other than to fulfill my own selfish desires.
I miss my family.
I did them wrong.
I oughta know better.
But there are just somethings i can't change.
I am still the same person. Just with a bad habit or two. No one is ever completly perfect right.
i miss them.
Not having a home to go back to is really depressing.
Not having a mother to turn to is really insane.
Not having anyone that can emphatise with my state just goes to show how far i have strayed.
Its sad really.

I am keeping myself preoccupied though.
Uni life is anything but exciting.
But it'll have to do is suppose.
Thank god for my weekends when i get to run further away from my problems and just soak in the reality of the moments with the people i care about.

Its hard really to adjust to the change in cultures here. But it isn't impossible either.
I am adapting and soaking as much of the good.
Its hard to change what i have become.
Its not easy for me to be ok in a place that is so foreign to me.

Struggling to survive.
Continuosly thinking of ways to make do with my situations.
I thank GOD ( the big person upstairs) for always sending people in my life to keep an eye for me. U know who u are. People i adore and care very dearly about regardless of the short time we've gotten to know each other.
*hugs*
Moving on. and Staying strong.
New places means new oppurtunites.
whatever it is. As long as i know what i am doing then i oughta be ok.

I miss u ma.
I miss u ben.

I am doing my very best to be all that u want me to be. I have made some good choices and some bad.
But all of them make up who i am.
I don't blame u if its too much for u to accept.
I know for myself that despite all of your shortcomings i will never love u guys any less.
I wish the same kind of love could be shown on to me.

FYI: I am in UPM, Serdang doing BAC. Comm.
I am smoking now. but in the process of quiting.
I am home less at this point of time.
Yet i am making the best of it.
I am an aunt now!

Pray my education loans get approved.
Pray things in my life start looking up.
Most of all, have compassion for the less fortunate. You never quite realise how difficult it is to survive in this world untill you are all alone.

Loves!

-Anya-

Tagged by Stef.

2009-06-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

>WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage : milo ais.
2. Last phone call : nedo.
3. Last text message: bikin pe? * i was like wtf? major turn off. speak english please!*
4. Last song you listened to: 3 doors down - Love me when i'm gone.
5. Last time you cried: Thanks to the heartlessness of some people.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Yes
7. Been cheated on: Never had a serious enough relationship to care. =)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Hell yeah.
9. Lost someone special: Papa
10. Been depressed: i have my moments.
11. Been drunk and threw up: Twice. xD

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. Hot Pink
13. Turqoise
14.Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: I make a new friend every month. =)
16. Fallen out of love: I always do. Life goes on.
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes.
18. Met someone who changed you: Everybody changes me. And vice versa.
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Blissfully Ignorant. now if only i can get my sis to shut her yap.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Yes.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Most of everyone. I cleaned my list recently.
23. How many kids do you want?: I'll adopt one boy. =)
24. Do you have any pets: Nope.
25. Do you want to change your name: Nope.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Hard Rock Cafe. XD
27. What time did you wake up today: 8.20a.m
28. What were you doing at midnight: Rolling in my bed. wondering how cruel life can be.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: College.
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Last nite when she asked me the stupidest question. "where is my phone?" wth would i be doing with YOUR phone in my room!
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my weight!
32. What are you listening to right now : Lady Gaga - Summerboy. *compliments of Stefanie Law*
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Nope.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: Idiocrasies. Unforgiving People
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook
36. Whats your real name: Sex Goddess. *ROFL* Christine Anysha Paul.
37. Nicknames: Boobies.Crispy. Pig. Chris.Nysh. Browniee. Gorgeous. Baby.
38. Relationship Status: Single
39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio. *Stay outta my way. *
40. Male or female?: Betina
41. Primary School?: SRK TAMAN MELAWATI,SRK TAMAN SRI MUDA.
42. Secondary School?: SMK TAMAN KOSAS, SMK CONVENT JLN PEEL, SMK CONVENT BUKIT NANAS.
43. High school/college/university?: Undetermined at this point of time.
44. Hair colour:Maroon, Red, Brown.
45. Long or short: In between?
46. Height:160cm *shorter than stef a bit?*
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: I always do.
48: What do you like about yourself?: My eyes and lips.
49. Piercings: Ears
51. Righty or lefty: Righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: Nope
53. First piercing: both ears when i was a kid?
54. First best friend : Kamini? haha! primary days.
55. First sport you joined: Badminton.
56. First vacation: Aussie Baby!
58. First pair of trainers: ha? whad?

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: nope. baru bangun. no selera.
60. Drinking: wish i was.
62. Listening to: Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
63. Waiting on: an apology.

YOUR FUTURE

64. What kids?: Adopted.
65. Get Married?: Nope.
66. Career?: PR Exec. Or World Ruler? The skya is the limit baby.=)

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Lips
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs
69. Shorter or taller: Taller!
70. Older or Younger: Older. The seasoned are usually wiser.
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Together is an awesome comby. =)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms.
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant. Think before you act.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger : Yes. Wasn't a stranger after the kiss.
77. Drank hard liquor : Always.
78. Lost glasses/contacts : Yes.
79. Sex on first date: Yes.
80. Broken someone's heart: Part and Parcel.
82. Been arrested: Nope.
83. Turned someone down: Yes. Its better to not live a lie.
84. Cried when someone died: Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself : No. I dissapoint myself sometimes.
87. Miracles : Yes
88. Love at first sight: Thats just infatuation.
89. Heaven: I'd like to.
90. Santa Claus: I try to.
91. Kiss on the first date: Yes
92. Angels: Its a nice thought.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Yeah
95. Did you sing today?: Not yet. Too early.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: Yes.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: I'd rather move forward.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: -
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? : Yes
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: =p

FIVE lucky ppl to do tis quiz -->
1. Nedo
2. Kim
3. Joyce
4. Joey
5. People that are too free.

Moments like these...

2009-04-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Stef.Me.Sunway.Cab.

Well.......

Lets just say... That nothing beats a day with

your best friend, smoking up with a caramel macchiato

by our side and plenty of goss to last us a lifetime!

Almost forgot our MAJOR camwhore session

at the back seat of a very very all rounding brown

cabbie... hehe!

Not forgetting as well...

the LESBIAN DRAMA we had to put on to

shake off a very stalk-ish admirer!

That day was exactly what i needed!

I had SO much FUN!

Felt old.. BUT in an AWESOME sense..

If growing older means i get to have more

AWESOME moments like that with my

besties then BRING IT!

I am so grateful that we've managed to be BFF's for like 4yrs now!

LOVES STEF!

Cheers to US and many more moments like these!

next in line.....

*sinister laughs*

Booze and smoke session at the Sheraton!

hehehe!

Sheraton is just a figure of speech... hehe!

WooTS!

Planning under way~

heehee...

p/s : My phone sucks... so the pics that i took can't be uploaded... farkness...

2009-04-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

A STROKE OF GENIUS!!

Stefanie Law Mei Teng! I adore U!!

U being drunk helped us to come up with a couple of really awesome ideas!

Having a "Getting Piss Drunk and Smokin Up" Session is just what we need!

Who needs men! We have each other and thats company enough....

But honestly SEX does play an important role la...

BUt that is beside the point~

the point is U and me and Jack and Gin and Dunhill too...

heeheeheehee...

I love that i can be all that i am with you and not feel bad!

*hugsss*

I can live without anything in the world but i doubt i can live without my besties.. =)

Plans on the way!

Hope it all works out!

*fingersss crossed*

2009-04-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Kissing his lips with you mind...

Comparisons are easily turned
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
stay....

Fuck...really fuck. High school all over again.

2009-04-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
joanne, do me a favour. contact ahmed and get nasser's num for me/
Lex says:
do YOU A FAVOUR?
you in the office?
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
no. forcefully made to quit my job.
Lex says:
by your mother i presume
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
right on.
Lex says:
how in the world she got my number
i bet you knew she called me
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she did what
Lex says:
SHE FUCKING CALLED ME
AND SCREWED ME
so you can tell how fucking pissed i was yesterday morning
then i couldnt get you on your phone
and you werent at work
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she threw my phone off the building!
i'm under hse arrest!
she took away my keys
Lex says:
how did she get MY NUMBER
you TOLD her about the backup plan you had in mine
*mind
and you didnt tell me nuts. i lied to her i guess it didnt tally with your story
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
out of panic. i told her. but it did tally.
Lex says:
she said i liedddddd to herrrrrr
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i'm sorry.
Lex says:
i didnt know what time you left
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
really. i had no idea.
Lex says:
she asked where we went etc
how in the fucking world did she get my number
and she was like "STAY AWAY FROM ANYSHA"
"YOU HEAR ME"
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she took my phone from me whilst i was sleeping.
Lex says:
so what did she find out that threw her in such a rage
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
that i had sex. my brown nosing sister told her to check up on me. so she took my phone while i was sleeping and checked all my msgs.
she screwed ronald.
Lex says:
OMFG
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i had no idea she screwed u too.
i am so sorry.
Lex says:
so she saw the message tht you texted me
about lying to her
absolutely brilliant
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
no. i deleted that
Lex says:
ubt she knewwwww
lol
frankly speaking i wasnt surprised when she called
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
the same night i sent it to u.
Lex says:
and i was like 'yes maam. yes maam"
lol please.
she's not met my mother has she
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
omg. jo. i am so sorry.
Lex says:
haha no worries
i was worried about you
nah your mum tried to be strict
or sounded mean
but she couldnt pull it off
like seriously. she hasnt met my mum
haha
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she is driving me up a wall. i cn't stand it.
Lex says:
*hugs*
how did you manage to go online
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
fucked my sister over. mum's out so she has no one complain to.
i'll deal with my mum when she gets home.
Lex says:
sighs
so how long you under house arrest for
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
u know i had to email my resignation in secret!
Lex says:
so she doesnt know that youve had sex BEFORE
omg
lol
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
hell no.
Lex says:
patutla she reacted like that
you ah
be more careful next time can or not
i dont have ahmed's number btw
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
but my amazin g sis old her all abt my lil escapades with my exes in the sauna!
*sighs*
nevermind.
Lex says:
what
hahahahha
okay
how did you manage to go online now
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
sister is in front of telly. so i am free to use laptop till mum comes home.
Lex says:
lol
ok
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i can't contct anyone! fucking sucks. can't even runaway from home.
Lex says:
if she throws the laptop away
i dont know ah
+_+
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
haha! her loss.. i'll just rot in front of the telly.
Lex says:
lol
ok
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i'm really sorry jo. i had no idea that she screwed u too.
Lex said (1:27 PM):
no worries

So What?

2009-04-07T05:06:00.000-07:00

I am still the same person.
I still do things for all the right reasons.
Only difference now is that i give you less control over my life.
But you know your way around me.

i don't know anything right now. i am so messed up. i have no one to turn to. family doesn't feel like family and home feels like prison. i cn't escape. my only choice is suicide. and i am too chicken to do that.
judgemental faces and wicked stares. i cn't take it. i cn't escape it. it sucked when my mum said u spilled on me. i trusted u.

DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
hey
^^
hows ronald?
xd
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
why'd u tell my mum..
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
huh?
wth!
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she told me.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
wad did u say
=.=
i*
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she said that u were right abt me. that my mum should be worried abt me.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
oh god wtf?
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she threw my phone. put me under hse arrest. screwed ronald and made me quit my job
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
wtf la weh..
i didnt say anything also
i think im not that stupid to put myself into something like this.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
and jac laughed at me.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
hmm
tough
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
tough understatement.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
wad happened to make this all appear anyways?
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she said it was u.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
it was me?
=.=
why is it me?
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
thats why i don't know whether to trust u at all.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
huh..
erm
okay?
let me clearily that
i didnt say anything.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
not even to jac

DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
i said to jacq that i am worried for u.
dats all.
i dont know wad the fuck they twisted the story to.
but i mean
i dont take sides.
when have i ever when it came to your family?
if you think boycotting you was my plan. then...i guess so dont know me well enuff to noe i treat u and ur fam as my own.
i guess so= i guess you*
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i don't know anything right now. i am so messed up. i have no one to turn to. family doesn't feel like family and home feels like prison. i cn't escape. my only choice is suicide. and i am too chicken to do that.
judgemental faces and wicked stares. i cn't take it. i cn't escape it. it sucked when my mum said u spilled on me. i trusted u.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
fuck that!
do you believe dat?
if you do.
den i dont have anything to say.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
if i didnt trust u. would i say all this to u.
u have always been like a sister to me. more than jacq. thats why it sucked when my mother said that u had something to do with all this.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
you're mom
haih
i admit
that i did say something.
it wasnt even saying
i just asked
if she trusted you.
she said no
so i said..
if u dont trust her..
wad she does wont be a part of ur life anymore
and thats how i asked her to worry abt u
kinda la
i dont exactly remember the convo.
but thats how it went...
see its not like i said anything to make her check ur hp or anything!
i know she did because ur hp is gone and obviously she checked.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
obviously.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
i noe her too well.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i don't know what to do.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
im sorry if wad i said is wad caused this..but be well noted that jacq has been wrapping ur mom around doubts abt u
why did she suddenly throw away ur hp
wad did she find out?
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
that i was looking for birth control pills.
she doesn't know i had sex last week. she thinks i'm planning on it.
she called me a slut. cheap. whore.
and jacq was laughing and had this smirk on her face.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
well wtf were you doing having sex in the 1st place
i thought that was all by gones!
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
u know me. it happens. but this time i wasn't protected. so i freaked and went on a rampage for birth control pills
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
wtf happened.
who?
with who.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
a guy i was dating in college. Nasser.
now thats history.
jacq told her abt sam.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
sam? who's sam
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
the minor i supposedly raped in the sauna.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
oh!
ok
i can understand ur position
i wish i could help
but i dont think it would do much
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
don't help.
i'm dealing.
i finally expressed emotions while chatting with u.
i stoned throughout the whole day. in denial. searching every nook for pieces of my phone.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
ur mom sold ur hp already
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
hoping that all this was just some fucked up dream
how do u know
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
she threw the sim off the balcony
erm
wel
dont spill
but
jacq and i were at ap.
and she told me
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
she had no right.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
well.
i dont noe la.
it was too late..
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i shouldn't have paid for astro.
i had to email my resignation and apologies to everyone in the office.
she doesn't know that.
she doesn't even care abt what i deal with.
all that matters to her is how my actions reflect on her.
DOUBLE CLICK [c=12]HERE[/c]. says:
well
for one
you cant blame her fully.
Anya {* Dark Skies , Black Roses and a stake through the heart sounds like bliss...* } says:
i am not. i just can't deal with this anymore.
since highschool.
how much do u think i cn take

i'll tell you how much.
no more.
i've just about had it.

Leave me be.

I can't deal with you anymore.

I don't want to.

Har di Har har... cynical laughss

2009-04-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS UP MAN?

gahhh...

so many things are happpening...

damn fucking annoying at times...

also damn flattering..

the guys that i fancy are either too busy or taken...

the guys that fancy me are wayyy too free...

therefore they bug me 24/7...

i've even reached a point where i just don't answer their calls nor bother replying their msgs..

gahhhh....

i like the attention...

makes me feel empowered...

but what i HATE is the fact that i've resorted too smoking and i actually like it...

it entirely contradicts everything i stand for...

but it gives me a high and clearness of mind that is just so gratifying...

at least i'm not a HEAVY smoker...

and my apetite has lessen..

and i make friends..

but i loose just as much for the same reason...

haihhssss...

I LOVE THAT THEY CARE...
but may be they care a lil too much...

haiyoooo.....

I miss a lot of people...

but what to do..

no time...

can't afford to NOT go to work..

need the money to MOVE OUT!!

mother is becoming impossible..

sister is just plain ridiculous...

i've just had it la...

fed up of apologising for nothing...

tired of petty disputes..

just enough of it all...

Feeling like i'm on the road towards self destruction...

can't hurt myself...

but rather poison self to death...

slowly but certain death...

gahhhhh!!!

hate this feeling~

really HATE this....

=(

Jokes on me man....

tried playing it cool...

failed miserably...

fall for someone so easily...

when it falls apart, i break...

gahhhh!!

SMOKING~

my release...

haihss...

can't screw friends for smoking anymore...

haihss....

=.=''

What a joke......

2009-03-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

OMFGawd....

Unbelivable...

I suppose i am just that good..
I felt nothing when he kissed me..
nothing when he caressed my skin..
but he said my kisses were electrifying...

Tragic....

I deserve so much more than what he has to offer..
He claims its teasing...
but damn it.. i rule the game..
so buzz off...
you are just afraid..

I feel empowered though...
gosh i am an evil BITCH

Why does SIN feel so good...

2009-03-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Insecurity Complexes..

I figured that this is my main reason.
(as usual finding excuses)

I've always been insecure about myself..
Only just recently have i developed a backbone thus inducing unexplainable amounts of self esteem...

*grinss*

And due to my complexes, i have made myself prone to danger..
Not life threatening danger...
More like emotional hurt kinda danger..
I try to prove a point...
and when i exceed my own expectations...
Its gratifying...
but when i don't...
Its down right depressing..

I subject myself to unnecessary hurt..
thinking that no one else is affected in the process...
a terrible misconception...

I am involved in something where i am hell bent on trying to prove a point to myself and to other the party.
I shouldn't have to prove a point..
but yet i intend to..
made it a life mission to prove to the entire male species that i am not afraid of their little dares..
if anything...
I could top them anyday.
yet..
i still try to prove a point..
maybe i am just clinically insane in a sense..

obsessed..
deranged...
gahh...
hormonal maybe?

from what i know about myself...
i am quite lustful...
constantly needy for physical pleasure...

sin...
oh sin...

why do u feel so good...

=.= Life was never meant to be EASY~

2009-02-21T08:52:00.000-08:00

COMPLICATED? A WORD TOO COMMONLY USED...

Its hard to explain all the mixed feelings i have right about now.

Frustration
Independence
Annoyance
Tired
Selfish
Remorse
Anxiety

That barely explains em all...
I thought we hit it off?
Suppose i was wrong..

I'll be ok without you...
I've lived without you so far...

Why do we always have to fight?
Why do you always have to want to win....

I'm done...
done pretending like i'm superwoman...
all you do is take advantage of me...
at least try to understand me...
STOP demeaning me....

I should'nt have let you in so easily....
I shouldn't have done a lot of things...
but i don't regret making those mistakes...
because now i know who you are....

I'm not ready...
What if i dont make the cut?
What if i'm not good enough?
Am i fat?

Damn it....
I've been avoiding people for over the past week now...
I'm too messed up for any meaningful conversation....
I'm too tired to care about everyone else...
I just need to be on my own for awhile...
I was much happier that way..
That way is how i'd like to stay....

Thank you KIMMIEKINS...
You are the one that has been there for me all along....
Without you....
I don't even want to think of what i'd be like without you...
You take care of me....
No complains....
No questions asked...
No catch...
I love you woman...
For everything that you mean to me..
and for how much you understand me....

Thank you Neda...
You are the newest of all my besties...
But you mean a lot to me...
You check up on me and i know that you do genuinely care about me...
And for all those reasons and more...
I love you too....

Thanks also to Joanne and Jon....
And every one else....

I am so grateful to be so loved and feel so blessed to have such AWESOME people in my life...

*hugggieessss*

I'm just so tired....

2009-02-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of feeling sorry....
I'm so tired of always being expected to do the right thing...
I'm so tired of always being guilted in o doing whatever anyone else wants...
I'm so tired of being broke and constantly asked stupid questions like how i became broke in the first place...

I'm tired of feeling bad everytime i feel selfish...
i'm tired of always being pushed around in to doing what everyone wants...
I'm tired of explaining myself....
I'm just so tired....

i could break in to a thousand pieces right now and lie on my bed all day....
I feel as though a huge burden has been put on my shoulders and everyone is making me feel like its all my fault....
Like i wanted it...
its just soo unfair how things always end up like this....
why am i always misunderstood....
why is it that it is so hard for them to give but so easy for them to take from me...

Ben could never understand...
and she doesn't even want to....
she always guilts mum in to giving her back her money so why should she care....
its not her money therefore its not her problem...
its so easy to point fingers and blame everyone else...
but oh so difficult to take the time to actually understand why things are what they are..

I feel so deprived...
why does she always spend on unnecessary things...
she think it right to blame me for my guilty pleasures yet all of hers are justified?
what happened to her respondsibilty to our family...
or is that all just poppy cock now...

its unfair to say that i haven't made any sacrifices...
is even more unfair for her to compare herself to me...
i am but her daughter and she is the mother...
our breadwinner.. is she not?

i will always do my part...
what i hope is that she does hers too...
it saddens me... deeply when she questions the whereabouts of my money...
i could ask her the same and i know she would only provide an answer to make me feel like shit...
and leave out all the little guilty pleasures she had along the way....

Am i not to young to go through these things?
i have no one that can empathise with my predicament...
I am alone on this journey of self discovery...
to realise my true purpose...

I am now depressed...
frustrated that my own family things of the value of money to be far greater than love itself...
annoyed that she constantly compares her state to mine....
upset that i may never have a say and be supported for it by my own family...
My life is not my own...
i will constantly be reminded of what i owe my mother...
and due to that... no choice i make will be able to truly be my own....

2009-01-29T05:33:00.000-08:00

* SIGH OF RELIEF*

Wow.... after 2 years.....
We meet....
Though brief but it was well worth the wait...
it felt as though i had met an old friend....
it felt good....

to stef....
thanks for introducing me to JON....
he is such a sweetheart....
and would've never known him if it wasn't for you...=)

to jon....
thanks for being everything i never expected you to be....

CNY sucked by the way....
i only got like 3 ang pows....
pfftt....

yesterday was awesome though because i went out with my most super bestest bestie in the whole wide world!! KImmieKINssss!!!

We watched underworld.....
I love Sonja...
it was not the best show on earth...
it was very gory....

another interesting thing that happened today...
U hong called me for no apparent reason.....
asked how i was and all...
seemed genuinely interested to know how i was....
and then he asked me to join his gambling party....
as if i had cash to go anyways....
=p

hehe!!

Sam called me yesterday....
talk abt a reappearing skeleton in my closet....
he actually wanted to make up for being a jerk off to me....
i didn't want to seem impolite so i said i'd call....
fortunately i deleted his number ages ago....

=)

Moving on.......

2009-01-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

I AM NOT AFRAID OF LOVE ><

Who the heck am i trying to kid.....
I am....
The very thought of it gives me the shivers...
I never ever let anyone get close enough to me because i know i'll destroy whatever chance we have together...
I'm man-phobic....
Its okay if they just want to be friends and all... but when they start bonding and wanting more...
I FREAK>....
I JUST HIT THE DUCK ANd RUN>>
without warning and without fail...

I just don't want to deal with it...

I don't know if i'm afraid i'd get hurt or if i might hurt someone...

Or maybe i just don't wanna settle....

Am i doomed to be a lonely spinster....?

I wonder.....

2009-01-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

19/8/2008

Mind Games.
Psychological warfare.
Man.... You want to play it like that?
Game On Loser...
You thought you were so SMaRT, leeching your way in to our lives....
Taking advantage of our vulnerabilities...
You thought you could take us all for a ride...
Manipulate us one by one....
Blind sighting us...

I'll let you know what your BIGGEST mistake was...
Undermining ME!

You don't know me and i thank God that i was smart enough to not TruST u...

You thought you could fool my mother...
You entertained my sister..
You took my side but you were a fool to think you could have your way with me.

I am smarter than that and that is what cheesed you off.
You were weaving a dangerous web of lies but you didn't count on me to see right through your bullshit....

It takes one LIAR to know another
I've been there man and I saw right through your phony smiles!!

SHAME ON YOU FOR PREYING ON US

SHAME ON YOU FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR KINDNESS

JOKES ON YOU NOW....

I know how to deal with low lifes like u

SO CHECKMATE DUDE!

GAME OVER

oooo.... i wonder whats coming next....

2008-12-26T21:25:00.001-08:00

hooray hooray....
new years is coming soon....
since this year was so sucky so i'm guessing that next ought to be AWESOME!!!
hehehehe.....

Missing my friends....
but i'm still battling my own insecurities....
its not easy u to make something last forever....
to maintain something so fragile...

it takes both sides to make something work....
but if the other party isn't interested then what to do...

hmmmmmm........

any hoot!!

Back to happier things....
i'm going on holiday this sunday to MElaka!! yay!

unfortunately me still broke....
hehehe...
but its aite... because i need a break....

=))

new year... new beginnings... fresh opportunities.... a whole new outlook on life....

i must make the best of it now....
now it really is my life and the choices i make from here on forth will determine where i end up...

wish me luck...=pp

2008-12-17T02:32:00.001-08:00

Just one of those days....

2008-12-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

SURVEY I

1. Say something about your love life.
# what love life?

2. Fave songs as of now?
# Rihanna- Rehab/ Beyonce-Single Ladies

3. Fave TV show as of now?
# as of forever..One Tree Hill

4. Last person u hug?
# my mami

5. Most expensive object you bought with your own money?
# pizza....

6. Yosi or beer?
# neither... ucksss...

7. What happened last night?
# i dozed off on the couch...

8. Have u ever fallen in love with a best friend?
# Yes..

9. What song is currently playing?
# Nothing..

10. Any pets? What are their names?
# R.I.P

11. Do u have a best friend?
# yes...

12. Crush?
# nope.

13. Which do u prefer? KFC or McD?
# McD.

14. Favorite sport/s?
# shopping

15. Ever broken someones heart?
# I think so. sorry

16. Ever had your heart broken?
# duh.

17. What did you do after u had ur broken heart?
# Learn.

SURVEY II

1. Any problem?
# Loads. want to help me solve em?

2. Your main ring tone?
# Sexy Naughty Cheeky!

3. What were you doing at 12am last?
# i dozed off.

4. Who was the last person you went out with? Where?
# San San and MAy to One Utama

5. Color of the shirt you're wearing now?
# Maroon and Black

6. The last thing you did?
# stop a silly argument

7. Three of your favorite items?
# My phone, my tv and my ring

8. The color of your bedroom?
# Green

9. How much money do you have in your wallet??
# rm 80 something...

10. How's life?
# boring

11. Hiphop or emo?
# emo

12. What will you do next weekend?
# go out with joyciekins...

13. When was the last time you saw your ex?
# about a month ago

14. Where is he/she now?
# like i would know

15. When was the last time you talked to your bestfriend?
# last nite

16. Who is the last person that texted you today?
# mami

17. Where did you have dinner last night?
# Home..

18. The last surprise you got?
# my job

19. Last thing you borrowed from your friends?
# pendrive

20. What will your wedding song be?
# i haven't the slightest clue..

22. Why is that?
# Cause I doubt that day will arrive.

23. Wanna share with who?
# what the?

24. Who knows your secret?
# Only me.

25. Do they keep it the way you do?
# duh.

27. Are you angry with someone?
# I'm always angry at someone. =DDD.

28. What do you order at McD?
# Nuggets or Cheeseburga

29. The last time you felt sad?
# two seconds ago.

30. What is your wish for tomorrow?
# sales!

Fallen from The Devil's Embrace

2008-12-15T18:08:00.000-08:00

For nearly one year of my life, i spent it devoting myself to a cause that drained me mentally and emotionally, wanting so much to be a good friend and often being called the peacemaker , it astonishes me at how the tables have turned .

One problem.

My problem.

It triggered so many back lashes and back stabbings .

Everyone was everyone's enemy and I the innocent bystander.

Overwhelming hypocrisy then made everyone friends again and i became public enemy number one.

Ungrateful shitpots...

I treated them better than i did my own family...

I made all of them my number one priority and at the stumbling point of my social circle, i became a social stigma.

I fell off cloud nine and landed on thorny bushes....

only to realise that with each passing day more pricks were piercing through my skin.

For no apparent reason whatsoever they all despised me...

Continuously and faithfully they find in every worm hole more more reasons to condemn my very existance...

and i am the fool that often allows the hurt to reach my heart..

Because there is where i placed these people, thinking they were my friends.

Little did i know that they exploited me for their own sick pleasure and they are happily reaping the harvest from their commendable hypocrisy.

Their harvest is my misery and what sad excuse for a human they are to take joy from my pain...

Aman, the worst of the lot.

At some point, everyone disliked her and then she made her way up by putting everyone else down. The only thing i did was to reveal her baseless taunting and for that one reason alone...she hates me.....

Sad excuse of a so called religious muslim . She condemned other people's lifestyle and said it was all due to lack of fear of God and she is happily bad mouthing and spreading terrible lies about me and has yet to ever confront me..

The coward...

Damn Kampung mentality....

Avoids confrontation , prefers talking behind my back...

Haziqah, Mimie and Yang.., the three cowardly followers..

Innocently faced but deadly venomous...

Friends for benefits only...

Also preachers without practice...

A sad pathetic lot that insults each other when the other is away...

I feel sorry for them because they will never really know the meaning of true friendship...

The one with the ability to do the most damage to me...

Thankfully she has not used her ability to the maximum as of yet...

She was the closest to my heart.

Not once did i ever deny her, knowing the dire consequences...

She was my greatest care and therefore my biggest dissapointment.

I thought, hoped and prayed that she of all of them realised who her friends were of at least appreciated true friendship. I sacrificed everything for her and almost lost everything. I was brave enough to fight for my 'friends' but she to this very day is too afraid to be seen with me because of the evil eyes in my classroom.

She fears losing them.

The same people that condemned her lifesyle and brought her to tears...

She chose them over me, the one that braved all odds to defend her...

Family... a six letter word next to Misery...

2008-12-14T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not the kind of person to hate...
as a matter of fact... people who know me know that i do not have an ounce of hate in me...
just dissapointment,frustration and pain...
late last year, my mom sis and i were reunited with my dad's side of my family...
at the time it sounded great and so it seemed as well...
i was with my godmother, grandmother and papa...
we were happy to some extent but ugly cn't be hidden forever...
so recently all their uglies revealed themselves when they slowly heartlessly murdered my papa...
they neglected him, they couldn't give a rat's ass about him...
he was sick and they left him for dead...
he went hipo and in to a koma...
it was so depressing because one week before all these happened he was in IJN telling us how happy he was to be hospitalised because there he is fed!!!
how sad is that when an elderly man takes comfort in a hospital instead of his own home...
unfortunately at that time my mother was financially incapable to take him in so we couldn't do much...
but we did our best by bringing food to him as much as we could...
but it wasn't enough...
he died on 11/12/08...
he went home one week before...
they killed him...

the entire ordeal was too much for me...
but despite all that i still wanted to do his eulogy because i knew he would've wanted me to...
but again they striked....
they replaced both my sis and i with a powerpoint!!!
it was heartbreaking especially for my sis....
she actuallly went up to his potrait and said her peace....
it rained as the hearst was brought in....
my mum said it meant that a good man has passed...
it was so beautiful in that sense....
so many people came to pay their respects...
he was a good man...
i remember how cute he was...
i miss him so much....
i love my papa....

i am angry with those people called family of mine that didn't give me the chance to say my goodbyes to him properly...

i am not sure that i cn forgive them for that....

what i do know is.... i will miss my papa so much....

and those people will no longer be apart of our lives....

we gave them a chance and they did was try to drag us in to hell....

and thats that....

Out of school, Back to work...

2008-12-14T18:55:00.000-08:00

well.....
this isn't something unexpected...
as a matter of fact i'd say its predestined....
and its not tht i'm unhappy with the whole arrangement....
at least i have something to completely occupy my time....
its just that my life is back to becoming a routine again...
and its bleady frustrating....
i wake up at 5, get home by 9.....
only diffrence fromm school is the longer hours and the quite uncomfortable work environment...
its not that the people here are unfreindly... the guys and gals in the big seats are all very nice and all... but because i'm the new girl they just haven't warmed up to me....
and the worst part is that my annoying bratty lil sista is working in the same office with me....
nothing could be more horrendous than these very moments that she spills information about me that i DO NOT WANT THE WHOLE WORLD to know....
i guess it doesn't help that i'm pathetically wearing utterly uncomfortable clothing just to fit in...
and my idiotic sista is making a mockery at my every attempt...
fitting in here is not as easy as i would've hoped...
sad to say my attempts have failed....
but that does not mean that i have given up....
on the contrary i'm just going to try harder....
although the most upsetting thing is that some people here don't even give me a chance...
they just don't like me because apparently they are afraid i'd take their jobs...
which is honestly plain silly because i'm working here just to get money so i cn shop and party....
idon't want anyone's job... this is just a temporary gig for me...
so i hope that people here will warm up to me soon....
as if i didn't have enough school life drama now i have to put up with ridiculous work drama....
anyways... thats all i have to say about this la.....
OMG!!! i just saw the most beautiful bouquet with a pink teddy bear!!!!
Lucky woman....
so beautiful....i meant the flowers....=pp

KUA kua kuaaa....

2008-12-08T23:51:00.000-08:00

Looky looky i've got a job~~~
heeheehee.....

so that's that.... closing chapter

2008-07-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

its amazing how things just happen overnite...
overnite i lost my friends, family and 'super powers"
i feel like how Superman felt when Lex stabbed him with kryptonite leaving a huge piece inside...
weak helpless and defeated....
but just like Superman...
i shall prevail...
who cares tht my mum and grandmum treat me as though i'm an inanimate object that cn be throwned from one end to the other..
who cares that the person i cared for so much pushed me away as though i was diseased...
who cares that those i took as my friends made my worst nitemare a reality...
by proving how stupid i was to put my trust and heart in their hands..
who cares that everyone knows that i made one helluva blunder that not only affected me but all those around me...
come to think of it...
i honestly cn't blame them for not wanting to be around me anymore...
they were better off...
all i brought was misfortune...
i dont want to incur on anyone's life...
i just want to live mine the best way i know how...
its ok if they don't want to be friends with me anymore..
i'll live...
no doubt it sucks...
and i'll miss them but who am i...
like she said...
she doesn't need me a thousand times more then i dont need her...
little does she know that i only said that to convince myself...
it saddens me though that they would condemn me for the things that my mother said to them..
is any of it really my fault?
i never put the blame on them...
i was just frustrated because they weren't there...
i was alone at the lowes point of my life...
u are mad that people know abt this issue...
one question...
how would they have known if u didn't tell them...
i only contacted one person but u told everyone else..
so why be ashamed now..
u brought it upon urself and me..
thanks anyways..
because u made me realize what i really should care about and what really matters..
u were never the friend i needed u to be... not only to me but to many others...
but there's no point pointing fingers now...
there is no right and wrong...
i don't know how our issue brought up so many other issues but...
its over..
we aren't friends anymore... and i don't think we ever will be...
but the memories will stay and at least we'll have that...
no goodbyes... just have a nice life..
and with this...
i close this chapter of my life with a seal..
*only to be opened 20 years later*
*to laugh over*
=)

*flips page....*

heloo....
=p
no longer a bisexual...
just trying to figure out a lotta other things...
and putting FOCUS on exams...
thats my priority now....
my future...
wish me luck...
=)

Fall to Pieces...

2008-06-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
Things that you can’t undo

If I had my way
I’d never get over you
Today is the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you
I don’t wanna talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don’t wanna talk about it
‘cause I’m in love with you

You’re the only one
I’ll be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you
I don’t wanna talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don’t wanna talk about it
‘cause I’m in love with you

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know, what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

And I don’t wanna fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you
I don’t wanna talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don’t wanna talk about it

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just wanna sit and stare at you
I don’t wanna talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just wanna cry in front of you
I don’t wanna talk about it
‘cause I’m in love with you

I’m in love with you
Cause I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you

* Gasps*

2008-06-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Everything I've done, I've done
Only for your love.
Everything I am, I am
In hopes your heart will move.

I know that you love someone else,
But while you're away,
I'll love you just as though our love
Would last till you are grey.

Till you and I are grey, my love,
And all our days are done,
I'll love you just as I do now;
Your heart's my only home.

And i despise that i adore you so....

2008-06-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

Since I met you,
I've fallen in love with you
at least a hundred times
for a hundred different reasons.
Sometimes I fall in love with you
when I watch you doing something you enjoy,
something you're so involved in that
you're unaware of my presence.
Sometimes I fall in love with you
when I listen to you talk to other people.
Whether you're being interesting and funny
or warm and caring and genuinely concerned,
you have a way of making people feel better
with nothing more than words.
Sometimes I fall in love with you
just thinking about you,
remembering all the memories we've made...
falling in love for the first time,
staying in love during the rough times,
finding more to love about each other every day.
And whenever I think about
the wonderful things that lie ahead of us,
I fall totally and completely in love with you
all over again.

Loving in Silence...

2008-06-28T02:49:00.000-07:00

I would confess to you
A million reasons why
I feel this way for you,
Each and every day.

If I was brave,
Then I'd tell you why,
I'd tell you why I cried
And why I died, inside.

If I was truly happy,
I would run up to you
And hug you and kiss you
And I would TRY for you.

If I was true to myself,
Then I'd admit that
Letting you go is futile
But I can't admit that...

My quiet heart would confess
Every tiny little secret to you,
If it meant that you would love me,
If it meant that you would hold me...

But I could never do that
In fear of being pushed away...
I love you so much, but...
Maybe we should stay friends...

*

This is the quiet confession
Of a heart, burdened with love
And maybe it's because I love you
That I have to let you go...

Its my fate...

2008-06-06T05:11:00.000-07:00

What do u do when the person you love gets bck together with the person who scorned them...
and neglects u just to be with the very same person tht left u to put her broken heart back together piece by piece...
i dont know if anyones understands what i'm feeling rite now...
i dont even understand what im feeling..
its a mixture of absolute frustration with sadness and misery with a pinch of neglect and a dash of bitterness...
its a good thing i had enough sense to not hang out with them today..
the same girl tht shattered her hear in to a million pieces...
she chooses tht girl ovr me..
love truly is blinding..
she is in love with tht girl..
and im miserably in love with her...
why..
why this...
why did this hv to happen...
god...
i know u dont condone lesbianism which is probably why my hopes were doomed from the get go..
Oh sweet lady misery...
thy art my companion...
huhu...
sobs sobs...

nth left to say...
just miserable beyond words...
cnt even cover it...
i want to bleady well scream BLOODY MARY!!!
huhu~~

sad sad...
I need JMC...
huhu...

Hate Having to Make Choices...

2008-06-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

its hard not to seem desperate when u are so smitten with someone..
being absolutely in love and trying to deny it, is an absolute waste of time..
I am in love...
but i must deny it from the one i love....
i think abt her every second of every day..
i am forever missing the scent of her...
i close my eyes and hope to see her in front of me..
but its all fool's hope...
because being her friend...
i know exactly what goes on in her mind..
who is on her mind constantly...
and who isn't...
i miss her so much sometimes.. i cnt even breathe when i think abt her...
i try not to think abt her but i some how always hv a reason to..
i hate tht i love her so...
shes got such a hold on me and she doesnt even know it...
she made me promise to become a better person...
for her...
i'm willing to do anything..
no matter all the sacrifices i'll have to make..
a friend asked me...
"what if after all the changes.. her feelings for me stay the same"
i said...
i guess i'll just hv to live with tht because love cn't be forced...
as long as i cn love her in secret... i'm happy...
i won't say it wouldnt hurt me..
of course it would..
but theres nothing i cn do abt it...
thts true love...
loving someone despite all odds...
even spiritual odds and society...

never thought i would end up being BI..
men are the only ones to be blamed for this...
Ass holes...

Burning up in Flames~~

2008-05-30T05:33:00.001-07:00

Obviously ive given up the boob related titles..
due to pretty understandable reasons...
my current state rite now is misery thanks to being ignored by a loved one...
hmm.. its like this...
i'm kinda crushing on this person lets call this person A..
A.. is sometimes the sweetest and most cutest person in the world to me..
but once A's petsistas are around...
i'd be lucky if A evn looked my way...
We go out together and before tht A insists tht i wear decent clothings and shoes...
ok fine.. i subdue to A's wishes...
then when we go out... not only i am i not bothered by A...
But A treats me like i'm noone..
its my fault i guess tht i'm dissapointed with A..
its not like A claimed to like me nor care about me...
i just figured as much because we were friends..
i never thought i meant so lil to A...
I guess its karma...
One day of absolute happiness in exchange for unexplainable sadness the nxt time i go out with A...
I should stop hoping we could be anything more than friends...
i should also stop constantly thinking about A...
as matter of fact.. i really should avoid A entirely to stop the pain i'm feeling...
what does it matter to A if i'm in A's life or not...
obviously i mean nothing more than the doormat A walks over...
i only exist when im needed...
other than tht..
im nothing to A...
I hate that i love u A...
it pains me so much..
u cn't even imagine..
i bet u would laugh if u knew tht i loved u..
laugh in success over your conquest...
which is why i must nvr let u know...
i'm afraid after the laughter.. u will no longer be my friend..
things would be weird... and thts the last thing i want rite now..
especially not this year...

~Oh sweet Irony~

2008-05-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

This feels like some sick joke...
And God is hvin one helluva time makin me his personal clown...
The very thing i consider my assets...
my prized treasures...
are the very things tht could eventually do me in...
the very illness i hv is a damn joke...
i literally laughed when the doctor told me wht it was...
i never even knew such a thing could happen...
i guess thts irony for ya...

~swollen titties~ (-_-)

2008-05-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since i had the time not to mention the proper internet connection to bother to write on this blog...
Picking up where i last left off... i was sent away for a week.. and i came bck...
It was miserable but bareable...
right now i'm actually having my mid year....
but i just thought i'd release stress by writing on my blog...
This post is like long overdue anyways....
I'm kinda like in a lotta crossroads in my life right now...
so many decisions to make... too many hearts to break.. its becoming increasingly frustrating...
i'm not ready to be serious and i just dont understand why my friends are hell bent on
making me commit in to serious affairs...
like lay off people.. isnt that like suppose to be my choice to make..
shouldn't i be the one who decides when i am ready for anything...
i am struggling with numerous respondsibilities and obligations and wrestling with my own messed up feelings... anyone who gets involved with me is surely in for an emotional tornado...
good luck suckers... don't say i never warned ya..
and to those that have managed to put up with all my idiocracies....
Thanks for hanging on.. i love you guys alot...

BooBs Stay~~

2007-10-09T06:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not going i tell you
U cant fucking FORCE ME!!
I said I'm not going!!
There's no way You can force me..
U want to bring out the worst in me!
well, congratulations!!
Fuck U!! Mothers don't do this!!
I'm not going!!
i didn't do anything!!
Why must i go ??!!
Sacrifice my holidays for SHIT!
My sister is SHIT!!
She doesn't give a damn about me!
all she cares about is My Mother and Herself!!
Fucking Nonsense..
what could i have done to be so unfortunate ?
Why does SHIT like this always happen to me!!
For most family is everything..
For me Family is a waste of time!!!
after all the things i do for them..
they still treat me like this!!!
FUCK!!
I hate This feeling~~
I hate being so spiteful..
I'm so fed up with this family!!
i can't even call them family because i don't think family
is suppose to make you feel like shit!!
FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!
my sister is a kiss ass n my mum an angry whore..
my life is really messed up..
I am NOT going to sacrifice my holidays
I am NOT going to my grandmother's HOUSE!!
No FUCKING way!!

U can pack my bags but if you do..
U will never see me again!!!

i hate this so much!!
I'm not gonna let them spoil my HOLIDAYS!!!
FuCK NO!!!
Never!!
Leave Me The fuck alone..
please..
I'm hurting so much..
please.. stop..
i can't take much more of this..
my heart is an open wound..
i can't stop it from bleeding..
but please stop hurting me..
please
stop
please..

*Confessions of a depressed soul*

BooBs Sobs~~ (#_#)

2007-10-08T11:54:00.001-07:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still HarderGetting up,
getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

*RascAL Flatts*

Don't Touch My MilK BubbLes~~~~

2007-10-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

What men do after sex?2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take ashower; 5% go to sleep and 86% get upand go back home to their wives.
====== ==================== =========
Why is your penis better than a creditcard?
( a Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it asmuch as she wants.
====== ==================== =========
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
==== ==================== ===========
A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole,
and she was happy with the thing.
====== ==================== =========
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked:Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.
= ==================== ==============
Wo men top 5 lies: from the whitest down& amp; amp; amp;
lt;BR5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my bestfriend.
2 . I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
=== ==================== ============
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
== ==================== =============
What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month,lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!
=== ==================== ============
Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".
==== ==================== ===========
T eacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister'sboyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY"
.===== ==================== ==========
What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stagecurtain, show is over, but when youpull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.
=== ==================== ============
AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FORRENOVATION!!! !!!!
======== ==================== =======
MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T".
And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"
=== ==================== ============
GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh s--t, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven( depends on sexual experience)
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!

Hard Core B00bs~~

2007-10-08T10:11:00.001-07:00

some of my new favs

Bored B00bs (@_@)

2007-10-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

If you sit in a bus nd look at the
faces of its passengers,
you can almost see a glimpse of their life

Each person with diffrent expressions
on their faces.
You can almost sense what goes on
in their minds.
There is undescribable joy in playing the guessing
game and imagining diffren scenarios in their lives.

**i'm Bored**

~ULTIMATUM B00Bs~

2007-10-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not... the cutie in that pic is ME!!!

OMG!! when i look at it now, i can't help but be amazed

by how Gorgeous i LooK~~

(*_*)

Meet Christine Anysha.. a girl that can adapt anywhere..

She's looking for meaning in her life.. but lacks a calling..

Looking for love; but winds up with men who put her off instead of pull her in.

The women she befriends wants a girl who is strong but who can't say NO..

Endearingly Upbeat n witty

Her BooBs are Gorgeous T00~~

hahahaha!!

Hard Tits~~

2007-10-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Two more days and i shall gain temporary salvation....
Yah000~~~
My finals .. damn it..
I can barely study at all...
tomorrow is My bussiness Paper...
Fuck man...
Still can sneak out and go clubbin..
hahaha!!!
I love my friends...
they are awesome...
they always make my day...
when everything around me turns grey...
Its because of them that i NEVER live in constant Regret!!
Making the best out of every situation...(Mei teng)
I love JMC...
Mei teng.. don't ever let any LOSER change U...
I love you dear.. and you are awesome despite what your MOM says...
Your optimism never ceases to amaze me...
Remember JMC Birthday party Coming SOON!!!
hahahaha!!!!
Joey.. Ur amazing...
and so lucky...
I love you for always being there for me
and always knowing how to comfort me...
Even though you are unbelivably BLUR at times but
at odd moments when u say something it just falls in to place perfectly...
Despite all our trials and tribulations..
We have managed to Stick together and our friendship has n will never ever waver...
LOve YOU GUys!!!!

Nipples black or pink??!!!

2007-10-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

Hahaha!!
Sometimes i amaze myself... (*_*)''
well FYi for those who may not be aware...
I am In F6... in Convent Bukit Nanas..
Unbelivable huh?
Another Girl school...
But don't worry guys hv no problem finding me..
Love Ya dudes...
Love...
hahaha!! nonsense...
ME and Love are so not on the same page....
After my heart was ripped apart a couple of years ago...
Falling in love again Is impossible..
I will never allow myself to do that...
A friend once told me that behind every BITCH is a
MAN ,Who broke her heart...
No girl likes being a player but what choice does she honestly have..
Its either Play or get Played Out...
reality Sucks huh...
my guy friends say i'm a tease n a bitch..
but can they honestly blame me...?
With my experience with guys
i should've become a lesbian ages ago...
BUt due for my Love for MEN...
Being a lesbian is just not an option...
hehehe!!!

My first pair of Boobies...

2007-10-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

As an intro to my blogspot , let me emphasize on this fact now before people get confused with my concept... hehe!!
All my blog titles are meaningless...
The content of the blog is not related to the title..
i just do it for the heck of it..
Hahaha!!
Can't help but love me huh?
I know...
I'm faced with that dilemma every time
I look in to a mirror...
hahaha!!
Who ever said self praise is no praise was kiddin himself...
hahahaha!!